I'm Simply a Moogle
by SquiggleSmurf
Summary: *Companion to Assumptions* “Leave. Now. Go,” Vayne blurted out. “I have no interest in fighting you.” Nono smirked. “Why? Afraid you might get your butt kicked by a moogle, kupo?”


Well, here it is: my 2nd fanfic. This one is a companion to my other fanfic, Assumptions, so you might want to read that fic before you read this one. Or you can read this one first and the other fic later. It's up to you. Anyways, I think this fic **may contain some end of the game spoilers**, so if you haven't beaten the game yet, I think it's best that you click the back button and come back later. Alright, I that's all. Alfador! The disclaimer please?

Alfador: Again? Alright. SquiggleSmurf does not own Final Fantasy XII. If she did, why would she be here writing fanfiction? Just enjoy the story!

* * *

Vayne expected that they would try to defeat him. He expected that they would infiltrate the _Bahamut_. So when footsteps sounded from the staircase leading to up him, he wasn't the least bit surprised, unlike his brother Larsa, who turned to face the staircase and gasped. Vayne kept his back to the staircase and smirked. 

"I bid you welcome to my sky fortress, the _Bahamut_."

"Ummm, Brother…," Larsa said softly, a little astonished.

Ignoring Larsa, Vayne went on, "I must apologize for my delay in welcoming you abroad my ship."

"Brother, I think you should turn around," Larsa nudged Vayne a bit.

Vayne cast a displeased glance at Larsa and continued. "Permit me to ask: Who are you?"

"Lord Brother…"

"An angel of vengeance?"

"Brother, please turn around…"

"Or perchance a saint of salvation?" Vayne finished, his voice laced with irritation, a little annoyed with Larsa's interruptions.

What happened next was something Vayne was not expecting.

"Kupo! I'm simply a moogle, kupo!"

Vayne froze. He didn't just hear what he think he heard, did he? Reluctantly, he turned around to see exactly what he feared: a brown furred moogle wearing a green jumpsuit, smiling on the top of the staircase. Vayne could only stare. And stare. And flinch. But mostly stare. He couldn't think, he couldn't move. All he could mutter out were three words: "What. The. Fuck."

"You see brother, I was trying to warn you," Larsa explained cautiously, unsure of how Vayne was going to act after coming out of shock. "I knew that you weren't expecting a moogle to come here, I'm quite bewildered myself. Seriously, who would ever think a moogle would make it here? With all the guards coming out of nowhere, you would think that they would destroy the little creature. Yet, here he is. I can only ponder-"

"Larsa, shut up," Vayne interrupted, finally being able to think. He turned to the moogle. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

The moogle giggled and responded, "I'm terribly sorry, kupo. I forgot to introduce myself! My name is Nono. I'm head mechanic of Balthier's ship, the _Strahl_. Kupo, I have five siblings and we have different jobs, kupo. For example, my brother Montblanc-"

"Answer the fucking question," Vayne commanded.

Nono sighed. "Sorry, kupo. I get carried away sometimes. Anyways, kupo, I think it's pretty obvious why I'm here. I'm going to defeat you and bring peace back to Ivalice, kupo!"

"But what of Lady Ashe and the others?" Larsa questioned quickly, seeing Vayne was starting to freeze up again.

"Well, they're a little busy at the moment. They're having an argument, kupo. I don't know what it's about, but it's holding them up. Kupo, people can be so strange. Maybe it's because-"

"Leave. Now. Go," Vayne blurted out, turning away from Nono. "I have no interest in fighting you."

Nono smirked. "Why? Afraid you might get your ass kicked by a moogle, kupo?"

Vayne grimaced. 'Easy, let it pass,' he reminded himself. 'Remember, you have a war to focus on.'

"Look at your brother, Larsa! He's such a loser, kupo! He's afraid of a moogle!"

'You have greater issues to deal with.'

"Scared cat! Scared cat! Kupo! Vayne is a scared cat!"

'Ignoring, ignoring, ignoring, ignoring.'

"Nono! Don't intimate my brother!"

"Why not, kupo? He's a WIMP!"

'Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.'

"Nono! Stop this at once!"

"Wimp! Loser! Coward!"

'Must stay calm. Must stay calm. Must stay calm.'

"But what can you expect, kupo? I mean Vayne did just lose his only friend. Wait, did I say friend? I meant 58-year-old sex buddy!"

That was the final straw for Vayne. He roughly faced Nono, pure rage in his eyes. "How dare you bring Cid into this! And accuse me of being gay! I warned you to take your leave, but you refused to hear me out! It is too late now, for I will destroy you! Resistance is futile!"

"Bring it on, kupo," Nono stated as he pulled out a black device from his pocket. He pressed a button on it and a green light zoomed out of it.

Vayne was taken back by this. "What exactly is that?!"

Nono smirked. "Your doom, kupo."

It looked dangerous, but Vayne shook it off. There was no way he was going to be beaten by moogle, even if he had a light saber like thing.

And so the battle began. Vayne was attempting to pummel the little moogle, but Nono was swift. With all his somersaults, jumps, lightsaber movements, he was just like Yoda or Mickey Mouse in Kingdom Hearts II. But I shouldn't mention them. It will distract the reader from the story. Plus, it's annoying. And the last thing I would want is for my readers to be annoyed by distracting them away from the story. Or get them confused. Wait, where was I again? Oh right! Vayne and Nono were battling. Larsa could only stare. And stare. And blink. But mostly stare.

Then, another sound from the staircase: "My god! Is Lord Vayne engaging with a moogle?"

Larsa spun around to see Judge Gabranth, walking up the stairs and taking off his helmet to see this unbelievable battle.

Larsa nodded. "It would appear so."

"Your life is forfeit, and your insults with it. Dalmasca will never again think I'm gay. For good and all, I shall bring your futile attempt at defeating me to an end."

"Kupo! You're all talk and no walk Vayne!"

"Hmmmm… very pelicular," Gabranth stated as he observed Nono's techniques. "That moogle is quite the battler. And that weapon. How did he come to possess such as a saber? And where did he get a license to use it?"

"Yes, that is truly a mystery," Larsa agreed, watching Nono as he tried to cut off Vayne's hair, saying something about it giving Vayne all his power. "Say Gabranth, why didn't you stop him?"

Gabranth looked at Larsa in confusion. "Stop who? The moogle?"

"What am I to do with those who would label me as homosexual? I show them death!" Vayne cried out as he attacked Nono with Mach Wave. The great ball of blue light slammed the brown moogle into the wall. However, he got back on his feet and shook it off.

"Is that the best you can do, kupo!?"

"Of course I mean the moogle," Larsa stated as-matter-of-factly. "Why didn't you stop him from riding the lift and climbing up the stairs?"

Gabranth sighed. "I apologize Lord Larsa, but I didn't see him at all. He must have snuck through our defenses, perhaps because of his small stature. And even if I had seen him, I doubt I would have attacked him. After all, moogles are suppose to be cute, harmless creatures. Not insane fighters who wield unusual weapons." He pointed out to Nono as he used his lightsaber to gash Vayne's stomach.

Larsa shook his head in agreement. "True, true."

Vayne dropped to his knees. This battle was harder than he imagined. That saber was powerful! But he couldn't lose. Especially not to a moogle who accused him of making love to a 58-year-old man! Vayne stood up. It was time to use his strongest attack: Force of Will. With a quick flash of his eyes, Vayne unleashed deadly punch after deadly punch. After his final rock-shattering punch, he opened his eyes. No moogle in sight. Vayne smirked. Justice was served.

"Ha! You missed me, kupo!"

Or so he thought. Vayne angrily pivoted around to see the longed eared creature laughing at him.

"Maybe it was the flash that made him blind?" Larsa questioned, looking up at Gabranth. Gabranth shrugged.

"Missed me, missed me, now you got to kiss me!" Nono taunted the emperor. "Although, you would probably enjoy that, wouldn't you, kupo? You know, kupo, kissing me? I know, I'm probably not as good as Cid, but you have to move on sometime, kupo. I am male, so it's a start. Kupo, don't worry. You'll eventu-"

"ENOUGH!!!!" Vayne could not take it anymore. He was humiliated, disturbed, confused, angry, and he had had enough. All he wanted to do was kill the little creature. Vayne lunged toward Nono in blind fury, only thinking of the pain he wanted to inflict to him.

Nono sighed. "I guess it's time to end this kupo." When Vayne hovered directly above him, Nono stabbed his lightsaber through Vayne's stomach. Nono quickly got out of the way as Vayne hit the ground.

The moogle giggled and skipped over to Larsa and Gabranth. He looked up at them with an enormous smile and said, "See kupo? I defeated Vayne! Now, peace can be restored to Ivalice! Kupo!"

"This… cannot… be…," Gabranth muttered, completely blown away. Was Vayne truly killed by a little moogle? Did a moogle kill him with light? Did he have sex with an 58-year-old man?

"Lord Brother!" Larsa cried. He started to run towards his fallen brother, but Nono jumped in front of him.

Nono spoke, "Larsa, why do you call your brother 'Lord Brother'?"

"Well… ummm…. you see… ummm…"

"No offense or anything, kupo. I just think it's weird. Really, kupo. 'Lord Brother?' Doesn't that sound strange to you, kupo?"

"Well, I suppose so… But what does that have to do with anything? And can I see my brother?"

"Wait, kupo! I have another question! Where do you get all those Hi-Potions, kupo?"

Before Larsa could respond, a red misted shrouded around Vayne's body. He began to moan as the mist reacted to his body and raised him up.

Gabranth took a step back in shock. "So he still lives!"

"It must be the manufacted nethicite!" Larsa cried out, referring to the mist.

"Hmmm…. that moaning," Nono pondered out loud. "Kupo! He must be thinking of when he and Cid got it going on!"

Vayne screamed as red light projected from his body. Larsa and Gabranth covered their faces. Nono grinned. "It must have been one heck of an orgasm, kupo."

The three looked up at Vayne, now glowing red. He was floating towards them with several floating swords surrounding him.

"Please, kupo. My lightsaber is way cooler," Nono snorted.

Vayne gazed upon the three. "Behold the power left me by our fallen friend." There was no way the moogle could defeat him now. The manufacted nethicite had given him greater power. Now, he could inflict his revenge on the little creature and nothing would stop him. Nothing! Nothing at-

"Holy kupo-nuts! He's ugly!"

…well, maybe there was something. Vayne glared at the moogle. "What!?"

"You heard me kupo!" Nono shouted. "You're ugly!"

Vayne growled. "Why do you continue to taunt me!?"

Nono blinked. "I'm not taunting you, kupo. I'm just stating the facts! You are as ugly and creepy as Michael Jackson! No wonder Cid was the only one who could love you. You are ugly, kupo. UGLY! Even Larsa agrees with me! Right Larsa?"

"Well," Larsa glanced up at Vayne, hesitating, "I suppose that manufacted nethicite did make him kind of gruesome looking…"

"Who's Michael Jackson?" Gabranth thought out loud.

"Whether or not I am ugly, I will still destroy you!" Vayne hollered. "You forget the great power the nethicite has bestowed on me! You have no chance!"

Once again, Nono giggled. "I'll say. With a face that ugly, you could drive anyone to suicide! Heck, you don't even need those floating swords, kupo! I even admit that my lightsaber pales in comparison to your greatest weapon: your face! Kupopo!"

"I demand that you stop this impudence at once!"

"Looks like someone fell out of the ugly tree, and hit EVERY BRANCH ON THE WAY, KUPO!" Nono hit the floor, laughing. Larsa gazed at the moogle in horror. Had the little creature gone completely mental?

Vayne fumed. "I demand that you insult my outer beauty no longer!"

"Outer beauty!? What outer beauty, kupo!? You're so hideous, that I bet if you looked in a mirror, your reflection would duck! Ha, kupo! I crack myself up!"

"Nono! Stop this!" Larsa pleaded. He didn't want to see the poor moogle be destroyed, no matter how crazy he was.

Vayne covered his face with his hands and shook his head from side to side manically. "Stop it! Stop it! I order you to cease!"

"Okay, kupo! Now I'm a singer!" Nono got up from the ground and began to sing and dance around. "U. G. L. Y. You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Ku! Po! You ugly! Ku! Po! U. G. L. Y. You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Ku! Po! You ugly! Ku! Po!"

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!**" the ugly emperor screamed in agony, throwing up his arms in exasperation.

Nono smiled and continued to dance. "Come on Larsa! Join me in singing, kupo! It's really fun! Kupopo! Po! U. G. L. Y.!

Larsa looked from the dancing moogle to his ugly brother. Vayne did seem to be suffering. Maybe hurting his self-esteem was the key to winning this battle. 'Well, I might as well give it a try.' Larsa took a deep breath and joined Nono.

"Larsa! **NO!**" Vayne yelled in pain. "As your older brother, I command you to stop!"

However, Larsa paid no attention. He was actually getting into it.

Frantically, Vayne turned to Gabranth. "Judge Magister Gabranth! Regain your loyalty! Stop those lunatics!"

"No Gabranth, join us!" Larsa said excitedly. "It's quite enjoyable! I don't remember the last time I've had this much amusement! Vayne ain't got no alibi! He ugly!"

Gabranth looked from Larsa to Vayne. Then from Vayne to Larsa. Then Nono to Vayne. Then Larsa to Nono. Then Vayne to Nono. Then back to Larsa. Gabranth gulped. He could not believe what he was about to do. He turned to Vayne, pointed at him, took a deep breath, and said, "Lord Larsa say you ugly! Lord Larsa say you ugly! Lord Larsa say you ugly! You ugly!"

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"**

"Come on kupo!" Nono jumped up enthusiastically. "He's almost gone, kupo! All together now! Kupo, let's end this!"

"Yeah!" Larsa agreed, thrilled.

Gabranth nodded. "Indeed!"

"**U. G. L. Y. U. G. L. Y. ** **U. G. L. Y. U. G. L. Y. U. G. L. Y. U. G. L. Y. You ain't got no alibi! You ugly!**"

"**GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!**" Vayne collapsed to the ground. The hateful words had successfully weakened him.

Nono walked up to him, looking at the emperor with sympathetic eyes. Vayne looked at the moogle in confusion. Was the moogle feeling remorse for what he had done Nono smirked and pulled out his lightsaber. "Kupo! Look Vayne! Ugly stick!"

Apparently not. The moogle hit the ugly man with his lightsaber and set him flying out the doors and into the deck of the _Bahamut_. Nono giggled and went outside to join Vayne, Larsa and Gabranth following him.

* * *

The fallen emperor just lay on the deck, feeling sad and pathetic. In desperation, he called out to Venat. The Occuria appeared before him.

"I have failed us both. I am no Dynast King," he choked out. "You must find another. Another who might realize your ambitions."

"Or another who won't be so ugly," Venat responded.

Vayne could not believe what he just heard. "**WHAT!?**"

"I overheard that moogle. I have to admit that I agree with him. You are so ugly that you could make an onion cry."

"Ha! You hear that Vayne!" Nono called out to Vayne. "Even an Occuria agrees with us. Kupo! You are still ugly!"

"Yeah! You got that right!" Gabranth added, laughing. "This IS enjoyable!"

"I know, isn't it?" Larsa agreed.

"Why did this have to happen? **WHY!?**" Vayne yelled to the skies.

"Kupo! You wanted power! You were greedy, kupo! So now, karma has made you ugly! UGLY! UGLY! KUPO! UGLY! YOU ARE UGLY!"

"You're the ugliest brother ever!"

"You're so ugly you're hurting my feelings!"

"As an Occuria, I have to agree."

Unable to take anymore, Vayne gave one final scream and exploded. Yes, that's right. He exploded. Red mist flowed everywhere.

After it cleared, Nono giggled (again) and cheered, "Hooray, kupo! I defeated Vayne! Peace can be restored! Kupo! Kupo! Kupo!"

"And now I get to be the emperor!" Larsa shouted, ecstatic. "This is the best day of my entire twelve years of living!"

"And no one will have to deal with Vayne ever again!" Gabranth added. "And that's a good thing! No one would ever want to see that ugly beast! Let's go tell everyone the news!"

With that, Gabranth and Larsa ran off singing the "UGLY" song.

Nono blinked in bemusement. "They're still singing that, kupo?"

"I think I'll just leave now before anything else insane occurs," Venat stated and took its leave.

Nono shrugged. "Well, Vayne's defeated and that's all that matters, kupo! Wait 'til Balthier hears about this!" The moogle skipped off after Larsa and Gabranth.

* * *

Morals of this story: 

1. Never become too greedy with power. It may backfire in horrible ways

2. Sticks and stones can break you're bones, but words can make you explode.

* * *

So did you guys enjoy it? I don't know. I'm a little unsatisfied with it. I think I could have been wittier and funnier. 

Alfador: Don't beat on yourself! Leave the criticism to the reviewers. **:P**

Right! Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave me a little review! Also, if you haven't already, read my other fic, Assumptions. It will talk about what Vaan, Penelo, Ashe, Balthier, Fran, and Basch were doing during this fic. I also think it's better than this fic. Okay, that's enough. Thank you again!


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